Leave a message at the beep ff7 style
by Scitzo and Psyco
Summary: answering machine randomness please R&R updated Mar. 9
1. Default Chapter

Leave a message at the beep....ff7 style By Scitzo and Psyco  
  
Disclaimer: Scitzo- I don't own anything FF7 (falls on knees and prays for evil ninja lawyers to go away.)  
  
Sephiroth  
  
You have reached the ultimate godliness that is Sephiroth. If I have not killed you yet leave a message and I will do so shortly. (BEEP)  
  
5 new Messages

Click

Click

Click

Click

Yah I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. This is the number for Dominos right? You guys should think about changing your greeting. It could scare off your customers.  
  
Vincent  
  
You have reached Vincent's coffin. I am sleeping at the moment call back in 30 years. (BEEP)  
  
1 new message

Okay this time I know I have reached Dominos. I'm not waiting 30 years for my pizza. You guys can't be that busy.  
  
Cloud  
  
Hello! Hello! Is this thing on? You have reached Cloud. I am mourning the loss of my beloved Aeris. If you are Aeris leave a message if not don't bother.  
  
1 new message  
  
(Sephiroth in high girly voice) Cloud its Aeris. It is cold at the bottom of this lake and.....

- Cloud picks up phone-

Hello Aeris I'm sorry it's cold-

(Sephiroth in normal voice) Hah hah hah

you fool!

that is the 10th time this week you fell for my message.

HAH HAH HAH.

Click  
  
Rufus  
  
You have reached the office of Rufus. I'm off on "official" business. Leave me a message and it will go through 20 people before it gets to me.

(BEEP)  
  
2 new messages  
  
This is Fat Boy's Chocolate Company I'm calling to confirm an order for 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 chocolate bars for a Rufus Shinra.  
  
Rufus this is your mother speaking. Now I know that your teenage hormones are "acting" up. All those years of finishing school gone to waste. All the lectures and health classes should have done something. But I hold in my hand a list of the women you've "spent" quality time with...

Samantha

Hollie

Amy

Heather

Aimee

Jamie

Ami

Kayln

Brittney

Paige

Brittany

Holly

Brittney

Jessica

Britnee

Yuffie

Vanessa

Brenda

Amanda

Brianna

Your aunt Sheryl

Your cousin Alice

Your sister Beth

Her sister Annie

Rachel

Tiffany

Elena

Jennifer

Scarlet

Mary

Emily

Kim

Sarah

Kathy

Sara

Kjar

Shari

Kris

Tifa

Kaimi

Your other aunt Melissa

And your Grandmother  
  
You ungrateful, selfish little son of a.... (Answering machine runs out of tape)  
  
Barret  
  
You have reached Barret Wallace. If you're an Avalanche member leave a message. If your Shinra #%& yourself and go to hell.  
  
No new messages  
  
Hojo  
  
You have reached the laboratory of the all mighty Hojo. If you would like to be a test specimen leave a message at the beep. (BEEP)  
  
3 new messages Click

Click

Look all I want is my pizza  
  
A/N: Review I beg of thee.


	2. more crazy answering machines

Leave a message at the beep....ff7 style By Scitzo and Psyco  
  
Disclaimer: Scitzo- I don't own anything FF7 (falls on knees and prays for evil ninja lawyers to go away.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yuffie

Hello! You have reached Yuffie Materia Hunter Extraordinaire! Leave a message at the beep. (BEEP)  
  
1 new message  
  
(Sephiroth). YUFFIE! YOU LITTLE BRAT YOU HAD BETTER GIVE ME BACK MY MATERIA RIGHT NOW!! YOU LITTLE BRAT I SWEAR YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Red XIII

This is Nanaki please leave a message at the beep and I will get back to you... Oh and if this is a telemarketer...FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT INTERESTED IN BUYING BAGS OF EXTRA-LARGE BREED CAT FOOD!....(sigh) have a nice day! (BEEP)  
  
No new messages

Cid

You have reached, Cid I am probably tunin' up Tiny Bronco which is a hella lot more important than talkin to you. Leave a message at the beep. (BEEP)  
  
1 new message  
  
Hey Cid! It's Barrett! Pick up the F#$ING phone! I need to know if we are still on for tonight its bikini night at Bar del Sol....  
  
(Cid runs in and picks up phone)  
  
Hello! Barrett! Yeah we're still on 7:30 to 11:00 right. And SHHHH! The way you yell! Shera'll hear ya. Oh sh# here she comes!  
  
(Shera comes in back door)  
  
Hey Cid who are you talking to....

(Cid fakes phone conversation)

NO! FOR THE LAST TIME I DON'T WANT MAKO-POWERED PHONE SERVICE!!

(Barrett is confused) (Barrett asks if Cid is high) (Barrett says four letter words)  
  
(Shera leaves)

Sorry bout that Barrett Shera came in... yeah I'll seeya then bye

Reeve a.k.a Cait Sith

Hello you have reached Cait Sith, to have your fortune read press 1, to hear my theme song press 2, to schedule an appearance at a birthday party press 3, 48 hour advance notice please. (BEEP)

1 new message

WHERE'S MY PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A/N please R&R be gentle.


	3. return of the crazy answering machines

Leave a message at the beep...ff7 style By Scitzo and Psyco

Disclaimer: Scitzo- I don't own anything FF7 or Sea World or any company / brand name/ support group, which might be mentioned in this fic.

P.S I'm trying to get my brain back in to writing mode so bear with me... depression is hard to recover from.

* * *

Zack

Hello! This is Zack 1st class SOLDIER, Leave a message at the beep and have a nice day! Oh… and if this is Cloud I WANT MY SWORD BACK NOW! (BEEP)

(1 message)

Umm…Zack this is Cloud. How can you have an answering machine if you're dead? And you can't have your sword back because you're DEAD! Finders keepers! Wait a minute! If you're dead and you made this then that means that Aeris… (Click)

Pricilla

Hi! This is Pricilla I'm playing with Mr. Dolphin; leave a message at the beep… CLOUD I LUV YOU! CALL ME!

(2 messages)

Miss Pricilla this is Sea World I'm afraid we need our dolphin back now. You can't ransom it forever.

UMMM…. Pricilla that's kinda creepy. Stop calling me!

Aeris

Hello! You've reached Aeris Gainsborough; leave a message after the beep, although it might be a while before I can get back to you (BEEP)

(1 message)

OH MY GOD AERIS! I finally found you! Please call me! And tell me where you are! I KNEW YOU WEREN'T DEAD I JUST KNEW IT!

(Someone picks up the phone)

Hello Mr. Strife this is professor Hojo. I was wondering if you would to like take part in my study.

(Cloud starts crying and hangs up phone)

Elena

Hello! This is Elena I'm at work right now. Leave a message at the beep. Tseng I swear it wasn't me that tapped your phone! Call me! (BEEP)

(3 messages)

Rude:………………..

Hey Elena? This is Reno I'm sorry but you seriously need to get a life.

Hi this is Rufus maybe its time you took a vacation?

Shera

Hello, this is Shera. Leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you.

Cid: Shera hurry up and get me tea!

CID I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU! GET YOUR OWN GODAMN TEA!

Have a nice day! (BEEP)

(No messages)

Tifa

Hey! This is Tifa! Leave a message at the beep and have a good day! (Sniff) Cloud if you can hear me Aeris isn't the only woman in the world! Please! Please! Please! Call Me!

(1 message)

Tifa! This is Johnny! I though you liked me! NOT cloud. WAAAAH (crying) (Click)

Reno

Wazz up! This issss dominoes. May I take your orderrr?

Elena: Reno! How many times have I told you not to make your message when you're wasted!

Do you want fries with that? (thud) (BEEP)

(2 messages)

This is Rufus. Reno if you want to keep your job you need help. I'm calling AA right Now!

YAY! I've FINALLY reached Dominos! HEY awwWW MAN! And Dominos doesn't sell fries YOU STUPID HEAD!

* * *

A/N: Ok I think I've written all I can on this one (on account of lack of characters) maybe more that's if I get more ideas. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and gave me ideas! Please review! Oh! And thanks to authors: Anonymous Laughter and Devil Seifer and my friend my Britnee for supporting me! 


	4. Still more answering machines

Leave a message at the beep...ff7 style By Scitzo and Psyco  
**A/N:** Hi I'm Back! I know I know bad me. The ACT needs to die. Thanks to all reviewers your ideas helped a lot.

**A/N2: **I haven't seen FFAC yet so no flames if the 3SHM are OOC ideas and helpful comments always welcome**

* * *

**

President Shinra

Hello you reached the office of the President, if you are a businessman and have an idea for me to be able to raise Mako rates please leave a message. If this is the Midgar Enquirer I didn't inhale… (BEEP)

(2 Messages)

President Shinra this is General Sephiroth. I want you to know that I hate you. (Click)

Hello Mr. President this is Nosey Smith with the Midgar Enquirer I'd like to set up a phone interview about the rumor that your son has slept with and or solicited a third of the female population of Midgar…. (Click)

* * *

Palmer

Hey Hey! This is Palmer head of the Shinra Space Division Leave a Message at the beep… (BEEP)

(2 Messages)

Mr. Palmer this is The Midgar Tea Council… How in HELL do you get off putting lard in tea! We at the tea council have resolved to not pass judgment on the preferences of others… but you sir are a disgrace to tea drinkers everywhere! (Click)

Hello this is Midgar Weight Watchers we were just wondering if you were going to renew your membership. As one of our oldest members you should remember the number. Thank you and have a nice day! (Click)

* * *

Jenova

Hello you have reached The Crisis from the Skies. If you wish to plead in abject terror please leave a message. Or if you want to order either "Mother's Guide to World Domination" or "Jenova's Evil Speeches for Dummies" send $12.95 to North Crater… Have a Nice Day! (BEEP)

(No Messages)

* * *

Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz

Kadaj: Hello you have reached Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz we can't get to the phone right now, we are ether chasing Cloud and or looking for our mother.

Loz: Mommy we miss you!

Yazoo: For the love of mother just SHUT UP! (Slap)

Loz: Mommy Yazoo hit me!

Kadaj: (sigh) Just leave a message at the beep (BEEP)

(1 message)

Hey wait just a minute, pizza delivery boys shouldn't be looking for their mothers or chasing cloud formations. This isn't dominos is it. Aww darn dialed wrong again. (Click)

* * *

The Office of Sector General Affairs

Hello you have reached The Office of Sector General Affairs A.K.A The Turks. If you are a Shinra employee, please leave your I.D number along with your request. If not, we do take personal requests, if the price is right… Have a nice day. (BEEP)

(1 Message)

Uh…Hi this is Cloud I know you guys hate me but, I really need your help. Y'see there is this little girl in Junon who won't leave me alone. She's eight years old and she wants me to marry her! It's really creepy… so uh yeah can you do something Please! (Click)

* * *

Rude

Rude :…………………………………………..( BEEP)

(1 Message)

Hey man, it's Reno. That has got to be the lamest message ever! You could at least get one of those computer voice messages. Anyway we've got an early day tomorrow; the word is that we are going to chase down Strife's stalker. I pity the girl; she has bad taste in men. Seeya! (Click)

* * *

Scarlet

Hi you've reached Scarlet. Head of the Shinra Weapons department. If you have an idea for a new way for me to blow people up, please leave a message. Or if you are a guy and want to show me your "Weapons" leave you your name, number and pants size at the beep. (BEEP)

(No messages)


End file.
